Five Flaming Hotties

They call me Remy. Short for Remy Fool. Blogger and aspiring writer. A degenerate who’s always looking for work. Fiction, non-fiction, fan-fiction; hit me up and I’ll write it up.

But right now I’m writing this. ’cause they got me. Pretty damn good, too.

There’s this little case, you see. It’s spread like wildfire in the Golden State and has rendered the entire blogosphere ablaze. I’m talking ’bout “Five Flaming Hotties.”

Case is simple, too. Just gotta select five people who would cause widespread whiplash while walking in a crowd. Five people who drew others in like moths to a flame. Then you just push the case off to other gumshoes once you’re done.

But I actually turned this one down several times. Tried my hand on several different cases before. Back when I was a greenhorn. Shared a lot about myself. Everything was out in the open. Figured to skip out these types of cases after that. People didn’t want the nitty-gritty journey. They want the shiny destination. They want yuri. They want reviews. They want seasonal show write-ups. That’s what I thought.

Seems like I was wrong. Been approached by at least five different gumshoes over the past two weeks. Even with all these other gumshoes in this big blogosphere, they all chose to come to me. None of ’em were in cahoots, either. Gotta be a sign. Feeling like there’s something there, I ended up taking the case.

I leaned back against the chair and stared at the ceiling. Kept my eyes fixed at the dangling ceiling fan as I slowly reached for my glass of whisky. Ardbeg 10. Smoky and spicy with a long finish. Not exactly my favorite peated drink, but I can’t rightly afford any other bottles right now. Been nursing this one for a few months by now.

Skipped the nosing. Nostrils are too clogged to smell anything, anyways. Took a sip, kept it in my mouth for a bit to fully coat my mouth. As I slowly swallow, I thought of the other gumshoes who approached me.

Raistlin0903 was the first. Met him through a mutual friend many months ago and stayed on friendly terms ever since. He’s upbeat like the cheeriest idol song. Knows his way around board games, too. The fact that he keeps his business going despite being so busy is impressive.

Auri came after a little over a week’s worth of silence. She’s young but strong. Doesn’t let the dank, dark foulness of this world harden her heart. But she also isn’t some naive girl. The thoughtful poet with impeccable taste in manga chooses to address me as Remy-nii since we’re close. Very flattering, surely, but I’m not the role model she’s looking for.

Then came Rodorovich, three days later. He had disappeared for a while, but he came back. Better than ever. His close attention to detail and skill at making critical yet fair judgment makes his notes a good read. Also seems to handle horror movies like a champ. In that regard, he’s world-class while I’m still wearing training gloves.

tetrax4berium walked through my doors the following day. The person’s shrounded in mystery. Bottom line is, I don’t know much about tetrax4berium. But it’s clear the gumshoe puts in a lot of thought into reviews and posts. I expect to see tetrax4berium around a lot in the future.

A few hours later, Alfredopasta came to me as the last gumshoe. Ain’t no one more dedicated to idols than he is. Except maybe Shokamoka. His posts about seiyuu always show me a thing or five. The guy was the final straw who pushed me to accept the case, by the way.

I glance down. Glass is holding nothing but air. I put it down and look at the files of the primary suspects. Eight in total. Three of them aren’t in the running, guaranteed. The honorable mentions have gotta be Komari, Shizuno, and Sarina. Brunettes only club.

Koshigaya Komari (from Non Non Biyori) – hopeless and helpless, the girl is cuteness embodied. She’s too young for me, though. I’d treat her to free meals whenever she wants. But no wine and dine.

Takakamo Shizuno (from Saki Achiga-hen) – my role model. Cheerful, energetic, polite, determined. I want all of that. But you don’t lust after your role models.

Endou Sarina (from Star Driver) – cool, smart, and not even human. Definitely proof that side characters can be cooler than main characters. Probably helped me embrace this mindset, in fact. Just fell a bit short from making the big five, unfortunately.

Sorry, girls. I push their files to the side so I can oogle stare at the profile pictures of the remaining five.

5. Nemurin (from Mahou Shoujo Ikusei Keikaku)

To be honest, she’s more of a cutie than a hottie. But I love her character design so much.

4. Kuroki Roko (from Action Heroine Cheer Fruits)

Red-headed tomboys are hot.

3. Takamiya Saki (from Long Riders!)

A tease with an alluring body. Not to mention a big eater, which is also very attractive. Sign me up.

2. Imai Midori (from Shirobako)

Hard-working, smart, reliable, and fashionable. This bookworm can stand toe-to-toe with the best of ’em. Looking at her makes everyone want to work harder, too.

1. Tsushima Yoshiko (from Love Live! Sunshine!!)

The quirky fallen angel. My favorite member of Aqours. She’s essentially me since I have my own delusions, my own dramatic flourishes, and my own strangeness. Only difference is she sounds great with both high-pitched and low-pitched voices. Lovely, elegant nose. Welcome to hell zone.

Pause. Definitely didn’t write enough for some of these hotties. I started writing about how almost every finalist is similar to me when I felt a cold, hard, small circle press against the back of my head. A muzzle. I slowly raise my hands above my head like I’m about to do a pull-up.

“…I’m all out of tea. And coffee. And water. And this whisky is mine. Sorry for being a lousy host.”

He spat onto the floor before snarling, “Youse gotten sloppy, Remy. Shouldn’t ‘ve accepted da case. Let youse guard down, didn’t even notice me sneakin’ in. Now youse ’bout to kick it. No chance for youse to pass da case ’round, either.”

I shrugged. “I always skipped leg day. Won’t be able to kick it far. Don’t laugh.”

The muzzle pressed even harder against the back of my head. He leaned in and whispered into my ear. “Very funny, wise guy. Any last words?”

“You’re doing it wrong. It’s a lot more sexy when you use your tongue to stimulate my ear, you–”

A loud noise. Everything fades to white. Then to black.